Why do Christian movies suck?

Because they are religious pornography. I hope that none of you have ever seen a porn movie, and I’m not going to suggest that you go watch one so you’ll have a frame of reference. But let’s be frank, the only thing porn is good for is showing naked people get it on. If that’s what you want to see, then you’ll like any porn movie. The story will be entirely absurd if there even is one, the acting is… beside the point, and technically the whole production would be imbrued with bland insipidity. So why watch?

It’s all just a ruse to get people naked! It’s sex exploitation, and it can hardly be called filmmaking or storytelling.

Christian movies follow the same formula – sans the nudity. The entire film serves as an excuse to dispense the gospel without regard for what makes a movie a categorically good movie. These are “God Exploitation” films, and if all you want to see is people believing in God, then you’ll like them. Just like if all you want to see is naked people, you’ll like porn. It serves no other purpose.

I just made a huge generalization of an entire genre – which even the idea of Christians having their own genre is troubling… that’s another article – but I don’t want to just vilify these types of films either. So if you’re still with me let’s talk about some of the specific problems that most “Christian” movies suffer from, and maybe we can have a conversation that will help elevate the excellence of films that contain the message of Jesus.

Story: Written by the right people

The source of the story issues in these movies comes from the source of the movie. Why is this movie being made? Why was it written? Who was it written by? Most of the time you will find that these movies were not written by writers, screenwriters or even story tellers, but by pastors and other christians who just want to use cinema to share their faith. Yet, they have no creative story telling ability. It’s like this:

If I was an upholsterist – maybe I’m the best upholsterist in the world! – I would not build a car in order to put my seats in it! I don’t know the first thing about making a car. It would be one of the worst vehicles ever made! This car would suck, and nobody would say, “Well…it’s not that bad. These seats are fantastic!!” Nope, I would just have a reputation for producing lousy cars, not for being an amazing uphosterist.

So what happens here is the message of Jesus is packaged in a terrible film and rendered utterly worthless. You wouldn’t sit in a car that didn’t run no matter how awesome the seats were.

Story: Written for the right reasons

Story comes first. I’m not saying you’re doing this for the wrong reasons. I’m saying your finding the story for the wrong reasons. You find a story, and then you figure out what it means and what it’s saying. If you are an artist you know that what is a huge part of your life generally influence your art. Your passions come through when you create. So when you write, if Jesus is genuinely a passion of yours, you’ll find him in your art. He will be laced through every facet of your story. Story is wrapped in lessons and meaning, not the other way around. If you’re trying to tell stories for Jesus focus on the art of story, and Jesus will be in it.

Actors: Hire real ones

Plainly… the acting is almost always horrendous. Why? Because they don’t use seasoned actors who know their trade. I’d be willing to bet that most of the time the criteria for acting in a “christian” movie is first, “Are they a ‘believer’?”, and then “Can they act?” This more than story is often the most distracting part about christian made movies.

Raise the money, and hire real actors.

Production: sweat the small stuff

This has been improving over the years. In fact, this area of indie filmmaking has probably seen the most improvement in quality over any other. With the advent of HD video all low-budget productions – not just christian ones – are able to create a film with a relatively hight production value for much less than in the past. But they still have to know how to use all of these newly found and affordable tools; and even if they do it still doesn’t solve all the problems. It’s pretty obvious when all you have is an awesome camera, and no talent.

Honestly, if your story is amazing, and your acting is impeccable, but your production value is pretty weak your final product will still be pretty competitive in an indie market. But if the story’s lame and the acting is abysmal it doesn’t matter how awesome your lighting framing or sound is, it’s going to be a pretty poor movie. And this, unfortunately, is the problem that plagues most, perhaps all, movies with a christian label.

Budget: don’t skimp

Most of the other issues above – save maybe the story – can be solved if an adequate budget is given to the film. Talented actors and crew members can almost always be hired on a set given the right price. This, to me, is one of the most confusing problems these movies have, and one that I don’t know that I have the answer to. We’ll spend 10s or even 100s of millions of dollars on buildings for our church community, but we can’t seem to raise more than about 500k for a film? What this says to me is that the church doesn’t see filmmaking as an effective means to share the message of Jesus. I’ll contend that we haven’t done it effectively yet, but maybe that’s because we’ll only invest a small fraction of what it would take to do it right – and all the reason listed above.

Just make it good.

I agree with Derek Webb who said, “There is no such thing as christian music. There is good music, and bad music.” I believe this to be true in film as well. If artists who are also followers of Jesus pour their life into their art, you will find Jesus in it. We need to stop being so focused on forcing the message of Jesus into creative mediums, and focus more on being masters of our craft. Jesus will make himself known through the excellence of our work. If you’re trying to make a film who’s purpose is to promote the message of Jesus don’t treat it like a tract, then it just becomes propaganda. Treat it like art.

Propaganda is just obnoxious. Art is powerful.

There is a lot more I would like to say on this subject, but that will have to wait for a later post. That said, here are two questions I’d like to focus on:

1. What do you think the “Christian movie” industry should do to improve their reputation for producing lousy movies?
2. Do you think there should even be a “christian” genre of film?

Speak up!