Research Shows Jesus Designed Tunnel System

We here at the Institute for Wacky Salvation Experiences and Crazy Conversions to Christ have realized something.  We have realized that there are many people who have ridiculously cool stories of how Jesus came to them.

They say things like, “Yeah, Bob, I was wrestling grizzly bears in South America — which is weird because there are no grizzlies in South America — and one of the mother bears had me by the throat about to swallow my head when Jesus appeared and let the bear swallow His head!  I was never the same after that.”

We have also realized that 87 percent of all crazy conversions involve the sinner lying in a gutter; as in:  “I had just got cut from the badminton team, had a really bad hair day, and realized that my new jeans made me look like a rhino.  That’s when I decided to lie down in the gutter.  Next thing you know, Jesus is there in a great light to pull me out!  I was never the same after that.”

Our personal favorite stories involve those people who see Jesus standing at the end of tunnel.  We are not sure what Jesus is doing in a tunnel, but next to gutters, this seems to be his favorite hangout.  In fact, our research shows that Harriet Tubman did not construct the famed Underground Railroad, but merely stumbled on Jesus’ tunnel system.  Consequently, many slaves being led to freedom would have told you, “I was just heading to Virginia and ended up in Heaven!  I was never the same after that.”

Stories like these permeate the church.  Jesus is always rescuing people from grizzlies and hanging out near gutters and tunnels.  Theologically speaking, that’s the kind of guy he is.  Brave.  Not worried about getting dirty if it’ll help someone else.  We here at the Institute think this is cool.

In fact, most of Jesus’ story is filled with all sorts of unusual and outlandish situations.  I mean, any guy who has perfume poured on his head on a semi-regular basis is definitely cool.  We have also uncovered an actual incident wherein Jesus spit in the mud and then rubbed it on a man’s eyes.  We here at the Institute think this is a riot!  And we are sure the man was never the same after that.

But for most of us, our stories are not so wacky.  Our salvation experience did not involve giant mammals or gutters.  And we are gloomy about it.  Our salvation experience was just as real, but less spectacular.  It included flannel graphs, Goldfish™ crackers, and Nestle™ Strawberry milk.  It also included some leathery-faced woman with a name like Ms. Betty.  We were pretty sure Ms. Betty was old enough to have known Moses personally.  And while Ms. Betty was about as scary looking as a grizzly – and oddly enough, smelled something like a grizzly – she never tried to swallow our head.  We are thankful for that.

And now that we think about it, we are thankful for Ms. Betty too.  She brought us to Jesus.  Our research has uncovered that there are Ms. Betty’s everywhere.   In churches all over America.  And the Netherlands. So after literally seconds of research, it is our conclusion that even if our story does not involve grizzly bears or gutters, it is amazing nonetheless.  We are pretty sure that anytime someone goes from death to life, anytime someone moves from being an enemy of God to a friend of God, anytime someone is lost and is then found, his story is crazy, wacky, outlandish, ridiculous, spectacular, epic.

We here at the Institute feel better about the whole situation now.  We do have cool salvation stories.  And we are just glad Ms. Betty never spit in the mud and put it on our eyes.  We would never have been same after that.