You Don’t Know Me: the gospel of vulnerability

by · April 20, 2010

You don’t know me.  And that’s part of the problem.  I’m the pastor of your church, but you don’t know me.

You don’t know what hurts me.
You don’t know what keeps me awake at night.
And you don’t know how much I need prayer.

No wonder the rest of the church seems so impersonal.  You and I have lost our connection.  Or maybe we never even had a connection because you came after the church had already gone Mega…. and I had already retreated into strength.

Somewhere along the line, as the church grew bigger, I found that being vulnerable with you, my flock, was a sign of weakness.  I was vulnerable a couple times with my staff and it came back to bite me.  I opened up during a sermon and got nailed for it.

More and more people came to the church and that put physical distance between me and you.  To make matters worse, I stopped opening up as much shortly thereafter.  Suddenly, there were a lot more people who could hurt me if I were vulnerable.  So, strength – or faking strength – became the safe haven.

And then here’s what happened:

I created this impersonal culture from the top down as I modeled a lack of vulnerability, tightened my mask in place, and pressed on as the strong leader.  If I’m not willing to be open, authentic, and vulnerable personally then how can I be surprised that you come to church with your mask firmly fitted as well?  How can I be frustrated that the church has become less personal as it has grown?

It started with me.

Second, I made it okay to rely on program rather than relationship.  I created something that makes creativity, talent, and knowledge king rather than Jesus.  I circled the wagons around my own ability and thoughts and walled out both Jesus and you.  I disconnected from Jesus being my strength and passed that disconnect on to you.  How can I be confused by how our church is relying less and less on each other and Jesus, and more and more on formulas and events?

It started with me.

I’ve gotta fix this.  If anything will damage our large and growing churches it’ll be the enemy’s ability to cultivate this disconnected feeling.

Disconnected with the other people worshiping in the same room.
Disconnected with whoever is leading up front.
Disconnected with even Jesus himself.

So, let me be vulnerable.

It hurts me when people complain or critique harshly.  Even if I say it doesn’t bother me, it does.

I think through what I do and why I do it.  A LOT.  When it feels like you immediately assume the worst about me without giving me the benefit of the doubt, it hurts.

It hurts me when you miss a couple weeks of church for stupid reasons.

It keeps me awake at night when I start to think about all the people who are in our city who don’t know Jesus.  Seriously.  I have this huge heart to see them reached, loved, and discipled.

I’m overwhelmed with how to really, truly grow the people in our church.  I know it’s got to be more than just sermons or classes or even small groups.

I lie in bed knowing that the Holy Spirit has got to do the work, but I feel burdened that I’m not working hard enough.

I need prayer constantly.  There, I said it.  I’m not sure when I started feeling like asking you to pray for me was a sign of weakness, but I feel that way.

I struggle with making my family a priority.
I struggle even caring that my next-door neighbors exist.
I struggle with my thought life.
I struggle with not having all the answers.
I struggle with feeling good enough for God.
I struggle with wanting to please you more than wanting to please the Lord.  Every day.  That’s why I need you to pray for me.  Honestly.

We HAVE to become more personal and vulnerable as leaders, from the top down.  We can do it from main stage.  We can do it through social media.  We can do it with our staff.  And if we do it, we will see a ripple effect church-wide.

By being appropriately vulnerable from main stage, we can make that experience feel personal even if there are 5000 people in the room.  By opening up on platforms like Twitter or Facebook, we allow people a window into our personal lives.  By being honest in our staff relationships, we allow them to see past talent and experience to see Jesus actually empowering someone to do what they do!

But the risk is great.  I don’t always know what “appropriately vulnerable” means.  Do I spill the gory details of every sin?  Of course not.  And what if people mistake my vulnerability for a lack of strength in Him?    Certainly, people need me to be strong in the Lord.

It’s no wonder I’m hesitant to be transparent.  People need me.  Or at least I’ve believed the lie that they do.

If I’m honest, I think I’m just worried that if I’m vulnerable I may not be seen as the perfect, flawless tower of strength anymore.

But Jesus might be.

And isn’t that what I wanted in the first place – for myself AND my flock?

That’s why there’s good news to being vulnerable.  We decrease.  He increases.  Like Paul admitting his struggles in Romans 7, I think the impersonal feel of church fades when people get to know the real you.

Filed Under: Advocacy, Culture

← Older Comments
Newer Comments →
  • Kelly V

    -It's Kelly. :)

  • carolyn

    wow! that was awesome. thank you so much for putting it out there for all to see. Thank you also for letting us get to know you even better. We loved you before and now we love you even more.
    what a great reminder for us to understand that pastors are human and that we are all the body of Christ. we work together and you guys are not here just for us. we are here for you too and it is an honor to be praying for you and your family.

  • jordanwilliamclark

    Tis is awesome! great job :)

  • Nancy Silva

    Thanks Ron for being so transparent! May the Lord bless you!

  • David

    Wow, absolutely captivating Ron

  • jamesr12

    Wow! That was awesome!

  • Joe Bahr

    this is great Ron! And I will be praying for you.

  • Molly_Rand

    Its so amazingly beautiful to see the true hearts of our leaders. Its encouraging, refreshing and real and I thank you for being that with us. This idea of vulnerability connects us as brothers and sisters in Christ to ulitmatly be a support system and connect with our Father. Great article!

  • Josh

    Thank you friend. I've got my own pondering and thinking to do for the rest of the day now. This stuff ruffles me, upsets me, because it's true, and hard.

  • Cynthia Merrell

    I've watched you 'decrease' yourself since you were 9 years old. Humbly chasing the heart of Jesus. Humbly chasing authentic relationships. And the very fact that you still look into the mirror speaks to your integrity. You inspire me with His reflection, Ronnie!

  • Richard

    Great job on this article. Rely on the Savior because he is “a flawless tower of strength.”

  • all4martin

    Thank you Ron. For many of us life is more comfortable with masks on. We have one for work, another for home, one for social media, one for…well for every circumstance in our life when we feel the pressure to present an “ideal” version of ourselves for the sake of acceptance.

    The first step in getting to know one another is to lay our masks at the cross, accept our absolute fallibility as human beings and embrace our Lord who loves us, warts and all and trust Him to change us. If we can do that, if we can find comfort and acceptance from Him, why in the world would be scared of what anyone else thinks about us?

  • Britt

    This was truly amazing to read! Thank you for being honest, I think your honesty is what makes you the great person that you are! Praying for you Ron!

  • Melody Knight

    Thanks for sharing your heart, Ron. Thanks for listening to God.

  • Andrea Rodriguez

    Thanks Ron for being so open and honest, the church is full of hurting people with thier mask up, our leaders need to take the mask off first, I appreciate your willingness to do that. Your life and teaching has touched my life and my daughter's life for the kingdom.

  • Hal_Ring

    Awesome writing Ron! You are the authentic man.
    My observations suggest that pastors of the last few of generations were not a PART of the churches they led. They were hired to serve at the pleasure of their congregations. Then they were fired when they did not please the congregation. Hence, the Fear Factor ordered their lives.
    It takes an authentic man to really follow the Master, serving only at His pleasure. I love joining you in that service.

  • Dan Fetters

    In a way, Ron's blog resonnates with me. However, I do not serve as a senior or the “lead pastor.” So integrity requires me to own the reality that I do not live with the exact tension of a senior pastor when it comes to self-disclosure. Since Ron is also a pastor serving in a large church, (but not a “lead” or senior pastor) he certainly is speaking with an inside voice. Still, it might be one thing to envision such transparency and vulnerability for a senior pastor, than it would be to be in that actual position. Even so, as pastors, we all might live some with some felt level of fear about staying in our current ministry positions, and might let fear form a veil of silence about sharing those things that might potentially erode our sense of security. WHo does not have a collection of stories of good pastors given the “left foot of fellowship” by a small minority with too much power in a local church? So vulnerability to a larger group, i.e. speaking with seemingly personal intimacy to a large “audience”, is most likely still the safest form of controlled (or pseudo)vulnerability. What really matters, in sharing the most specific truths about our flesh vs. innermost being (Romans 7: 22), is to do so within the context of the most safe and trustworthy relationships. Not to avoid what we fear, but simply to be wise with whom we entrust the inner-most reality of being me. Proverbs 4:23 informs us that guarding over our heart is not all wrong, in fact, in balance, it is essential that we protect that which has the greatest value. Absent paranoia, then, we are to go out into our church environments and lead others to levels of safe transparency in the context of trustworthy relationships built the “old-fashioned way”, one conversation at a time. Not cheap disclosure that merly imitates true friendship but rather the kind of relationships that take time and great investments of mutual trust.

    Respectfully submitted,
    Dan Fetters

  • John Maly

    Ron, I really agree with you. I've been going to a large church for 20 years. And there are times that I feel disconnected, even though I am involved.

    I appreciate your heart on this from the pastors perspective.

  • Shelley

    Very well written. As a life-long church member I can admit to “tightening my mask” when I walk into church. Honestly, I just feel people don't really care about my problems–too busy with their own or whatever. Love ya and will pray for you for sure.

  • matweddle

    I agree that there are risks in being self-disclosing from stage. But it's so much easier for me to see the power of a pastor willing to model vulnerability on that scale.

    It is an epidemic in our Christian communities that people are hiding their sin. That's nothing new. What is new is a generation that isn't going to let it fly anymore. Hypocrisy (actual or perceived) is proving to be a serious enemy and we need to do something serious about it.

    There's so much stage talk about how we're not all perfect and we all struggle but it seems so often we fall short of actually taking some kind of risk and being vulnerable.

    If a pastor “came out” and “named his sin” would you find it appalling or inspiring? Would the risk of some people misinterpreting a confession as condoning of their own sin outweigh the capacity to move others to finally break through the bondage of secrecy in their own relationships?

  • NP

    Ron + his writing = beast.

  • Conner Harvey

    you're awesome Ron, you always do a great job and this is no exception! You have a great piont and I think that the church should be tighter and more personal but you do a great job connecting with the students. I wish everyone was like you

  • Barb

    Well said Ron…I do believe a ministry is the reflection of the leadership's commitment and character!

  • robert2246

    I don't know if it's right to be that open on stage. Pastors are sussposed to be examples and we need to see righteous living from them. I mean Jesus was never vulnerable in crowds, right?

  • Alli Kellogg

    I think the one statement that hit me most was your final sentence…”the impersonal feel of church fades when people get to know the real you.” I think we Christians are afraid to have a stigma of brokenness, of humanness, of absolute realness. We believe that we have to be perfect like Christ, that we need to be Christ for people. Yes, we need to be Christ for people who don't him, and for those who do, but that doesn't mean losing who we are to put on a “mask.” God found us as broken. He loves us for who we are, not who we pretend to be. Isn't everything that God puts in our lives purposeful for His glory? How can we truly glorify God when we are pretending to be something that he did not make us? If we really want to minister to the lost, then we need to be real. We need to show vulnerability and admit struggle with sin. To be effective evangelists we need to be comfortable with sharing our brokenness and imperfection in order to give that glory to God for being perfect. People will be more open to stepping into the church building when they know they won't be the only imperfect human sitting in the pew.
    Anyways, excellent job Ron. I loved reading it, and I love you. In Mexico, I got to witness a man who allowed a vulnerability to come through. In that moment, I was able to see Christ more. I am deeply gratified by your leadership and passion for salvation.

  • Amy Gaston

    Ron, I love this. I love you being my pastor. I love how vulnerable, personal, relational and humble you are. I tend to be very critical of speaker's messages, since, well… I grew up listening to my dad every week. Everyone else had something wrong with their message, something they should have done better in my mind. Thank you for being one of the few whose messages I don't feel like I need to critique. Thank you for breaking down my wall of insensitivity and intense criticism to truly listen and appreciate what God put on your heart to share with us – to share with me. Thank you for embodying in each message those things which you challenged other teachers to embrace. You're such a blessing to us, Ron. I hope God lets us keep you a long, long time. =)

  • Sheri Stimson

    Good thoughts. And true for any capacity of leadership – and for any Christ follower for that matter.

  • Zack Shada

    Wow, amazingly said Ron! It's a humbling experience opening up like that for sure. But I agree with everything you said, and it's something I'm gonna work on as well so thanks a lot! We're all praying for you and your fam, keep us in your prayers too, thanks so much, God bless

  • mtroy

    Excellent and insightful. We are blessed to have you on staff.

  • Randomsam

    Great article! It is great to be reminded of how important it is to be vulnerable! Our church is blessed to have individuals like you who are willing to get in front of people of all ages and share your life! I have learned so much about myself and even more about my great Savior from listening to you!

  • Jen Tucker

    WOW Ron! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on that subject. It's something I've struggled with most of my life….being honest/transparent with other believers (and I only find that when we are we can help each other grow). And how encouraging it is when our leaders strive for the same thing!! :)

  • JOYCE COFFEE

    Tucked away in my Bible is a tattered bookmark made by small hands proclaiming
    God's faithfulness…Heb. 10:23. I've seen you claim His never-ending promise many times Ronnie. You see, I DO know you……for You are that artist!!.

  • Ryan Tyau

    Thanks I enjoyed reading it

    Love Ryan Tyau :]

  • Mary Anne

    Ron,
    Thank you for your words, your heart and your courage! Your article is right to the point. You are REAL, in person and from the stage. Our family continues to pray for you and your family. Your passion for our Lord and Savior and His people is inspiring!

  • CharitySilvers

    Wow! YOU shouldn't be seen as the perfect, flawless tower of strength anymore, ever! It is CHRIST IN YOU who is that perfect, flawless tower of strength. If people see Christ in you, then that is all that matters. IF they see anything else, then they are being blinded to the truth!

  • Derek B

    This is great Ron! And so true. So many Christians are afraid to admit how weak they are. “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” 1 Corinthians 11:30

  • jessicaevans2

    wow, never thought about it that way…

  • Danny Carver

    Hey Ron, I’ve been a member of both small and large churches and know how difficult it can be to feel truly connected to the leadership in a large church. Small churches force you to become connected because without your own personal sacrifice the church would not exist. Through this personal sacrifice you become intimately connected with those around you, allowing for more vulnerability. Larger churches, on the other hand, allow for disconnection and anonymity just by their mere size. It takes more effort to stay connected and more vulnerability on the part of the membership and its leaders. I believe you are on the right track. Thanks Ron.

  • jesseallyn

    Thats Great Ron!

  • Debbie Broyles

    Our team was certainly vulnerable at staff meeting this week – Debbie Broyles

  • John Simons

    I really liked what you wrote. Your words hit home with me. The more we are open and honest with each other, the more others can learn from us and not feel they are the only ones with these problems. When we here it from our leaders and mentors it is even more beneficial!

  • elijahfletcher

    DUDE GOT UR TXT THATS BEAST LOL – Elijah Fletcher

  • Mike Gaston

    DEFINITELY needs to be said, Ron, and lived. Thanks for your transparency, and for fostering an atmosphere around you that frees the same thing in others.

  • Ben Williams

    I like that this bugs you. Let me explain. I like that this bugs you because you will do your best to feel out the prompting of the spirit to find appropriate moments and levels of vunerability. I feel very priveldge to have you as a pastor!

  • Randy Osborne

    Thanks Ron. Transparency needs to come back to the church. We don't need to share gory details but honestly divulging what we have difficulty with should draw transparency out of others.

  • Rachel Vollmer

    Ron, thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. As someone who grew up in a small church and later moved to a bigger church, the potential disconnect between a large congregation and leadership because of emotional facades and superficial relationships is something I'm concerned about. Thank you for giving me better insight for praying for the college group and ministry in general. God has truly blessed us with you.

  • Bill Hughes

    Thanks Ron. That definitely makes me think about my position as a member of the church in not only how I respond each week but each day. Because we love the One we serve we should be holding our leaders up in prayer more.

  • Brett

    RON… I LOVE YOU!! So good. So True. So Challenging. I love people that get it. I LOVE you're “about Ron” too… hahaha!

  • daveymarvich

    Vulnerability allows for connection. Connection allows for Influence. Sometimes the most comforting words anyone can hear are “me too”.

    The most magnetic quality in a great song is it's ability to relate to the listener. Relating does more to connect a song to an audience, than any other component. Talent can be flashy and immediate, but to make a lasting connection, relating is far more important. It's this “me too” factor that has made ordinary people famous.

    On the subject of why people will pay to attend concerts to watch other people play music, Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth said “People will pay to watch other people believe in themselves”.

    …And I couldn't agree more. Part of believing in ourselves comes the strength and courage to be honest and open with what we got inside us. We, as humans, are EMPOWERED when we hear the words “me too”. Those two words do more to unify than any sermon or speech ever could. They can bond two strangers who just met randomly at a coffee shop or they can make twenty thousand people feel like a single family forging ahead into an uncertain future. People need to hear these words from their leaders.

    They need vulnerability.
    They need to feel a connection.
    They need someone to say those two simple words.

    Vulnerability -> Connection -> Influence

    Jam.

  • landenllamas

    Ron,

    Your statement “I made it okay to rely on program rather than relationship” hit me. There have been many times in my walk with Christ that I have become consumed with programs while neglecting relationships, both with people I am ministering with and the King I am ministering for.

    I also really appreciated your call for more vulnerablity and tranparancy in the church. Vulnerablility is not always comfortable but essential for intimacy and closeness to develope. I am not sure how to determine what is “appropriate” confession of sin from the pulpit but know that we need to be honest about the reality of sin in our lives.

    Thanks for writting such a heartfelt article.

← Older Comments
Newer Comments →